the truth your ex needs to hear

I realized it when you were asleep. You would sleep. And in the early dark, I wanted to go home.

Or really, just go elsewhere, spend time with other people who got the sense of my soul better. We could talk about the technicalities of a body, but a body is just a body, and my body didn’t really want to be on your bed, nor mine, if it required being next to you.

I didn’t hate you. I just didn’t love you, and I’m not sure I liked you that much either. We were close by earlier circumstance and choice. I outgrew you. 

I didn’t believe in love, and I didn’t know how to tell you, that it didn’t exist, that our relationship, was built on romanticisms that I didn’t feel, but sometimes bought into, for the sake of sustaining the relationship, because, how could I not want a boy, who often did his best, to sustain a long-term thing with me?

But I didn’t want you. You didn’t know me that well. You only wanted what you wanted to see, and I wasn’t sure if I didn’t want it that badly. And then I wanted for it to end, this alright-on-paper companionship that didn’t make me happy. So it was over, and I’m not sorry.

I wanted something. I wanted someone to love. And I’m looking for him.

It’s like peering into all these windows, & apartments, and I’m wandering all around town, on my own little journey on cobblestones & pavement, and I’m looking for him. And he’s out there. And I’m already in love with him. I can’t love you, because I don’t. And I don’t want to “fall in love” with you. I want to find him.

And I’ll know. Maybe I’ve already found him, or maybe I haven’t, but I’ll know.

It’ll be in the way we kiss, and I’ll know. And it’ll be in the way I’ll want to hold his hand while we wander, even though I don’t like holding hands. And it’ll be in the way, that I think I’m incredibly lucky, to’ve found him. And when he sleeps, I’ll get sentimental & sweet on the greys on his temple. And we will bake cookies, watch movies just to have an excuse to be close together, and maybe other things. And I’ll want to grow old with him, because we’re already old together.

It’s about love. I don’t want to waste my time on anything else.