i don't like disappointment, so i push. maybe if i was less combative, but i'm not that comfortable with easy intimacy. we could fuck, yes, and that's about it, isn't it? more is hard. the bare minimum is the bare minimum. not that sex is so only or so little; it's great, but i'm wanting for something a little more emotionally satisfying. i was made a little unconventional when i was grown in a woman's body; loner, blasé & introspective type with all the girl parts, and i kind of like myself as i am.

the poetry & the music comes, because for all the languages i acquire, the emotions speak less straightforwardly. i have poor mastery of satisfactory communication. i'm never satisfied with the words i use.

i don't want to say things like, i love you, because what does that mean? but i want to make love to you, to you, beyond just your body, and deep in where you feel, because you inspire that feeling in me, to want to do things beyond my own gratifications. words are easy, and you mean more than easy. for what you do for me, because you exist, because you live your life, because you love what you love, and dislike what you dislike, and simply are you because you could not be anyone else, you deserve a rap song both serious and playful, or a melody, or a well-executed blowjob and then some. feelings and feelings. existence is colored with emotion.

do you feel? what makes you feel? what are all these generic questions that you're going to have difficulty answering? how could you possibly love a weird girl?

and then it's more questions, but then, i'm not talking to you anymore, but myself. why do i need to be comforting? it's the need for connection on that specific level.

lonely people keep going out, having hope in unlikely places, looking to make a lasting connection. so much disappointment, in that little way, that is sometimes easy to deal with, sometimes hard. i don't think about forever, but i want you to be happy in the moments i've got with you. i want us to be happy, and have that feeling that feels so good, even if it's gone in a few hours, gone in the week, gone & gone.

i do have questions. i have so many questions, like, what makes you lonely? what made you cry last? can i kiss you? can i be close with you, even though i'm not comfortable with closeness most days when i'm feeling vulnerable? sometimes i feel vulnerable even though i know i've got a resilience to me.