out of here, out of here, the words i sang at the end when strumming to my own feelings, but never gave much weight to.

cat power finds me again, later in the season than before, and eight years later, and sings about how there's always something better, because you know there always is, and she's right, but i'm not sad for once, and maybe not sad not for the first time, but in some way that hits but not heavy.

i can tell.

the boys i would've given anything to be loved by are still around, older, but i wouldn't give anything to be loved anymore. i wouldn't've given anything for a while now. not that love's not worth it, but i don't feel like i have to give anything for something that is free when it's free.
sometimes i find that i have love to give, and it surprises me, but sometimes i think it's just the particular day when i've made peace with things.

i test my stories and questions and see what sticks. sometimes i find fish, and sometimes i find something that makes me feel something.

it's almost my birthday. i want to tell future selves, that things will be okay, that all things will be ok, and that nothing is as serious or dire or as singular and as only as you feel it is. feelings are such liars and so fickle, but yeah, when that wave of good feeling hits, yeah, it's a feeling, and you are riding on it like i am. happiness happens in strange moments, but sometimes you can see it happening, and you just edge it on.

not all days will be clear like this, but that is ok. you get through everything even if you don't believe you will. you were never a believer anyway, so belief's got nothing to do with what happens.

i was recapping yesterday afternoon.

hung out with a.k. we watched a movie that i liked, had delicious sandwiches, wandered, talked, bought the best rainbow cookies, from yossi's, as the city grew dark. i found a pair of vintage earrings that i liked, in an antique/thrift shop. it felt exactly like it did when we were dating, comfortable, & lonely.

he hugged me earlier, and hugs are funny like that. sometimes you find that necessary feeling in a hug. and sometimes that feeling is one-sided. one person finds that feeling, and the other doesn't. and it was an okay hug, but i preferred an alair hug, or a tom hug, or a theo or claire hug, and then i started crying. i didn't realize i was upset.

i think the truth is, i was in love with sandwich and didn't even know it.
what's love got to do with it? we barely saw each other, but the emotion was there.
it scared me that i wanted to be with him, and i let myself shut it down, over and over.

what's so loveable about a girl who pushes people away?
i'm sad. it's my fault. well, his too. issues. we all have emotional anxiety/perfectionism.

i'm gonna blast some terrible pop-dance music (miley's we can't stop acapella) & bake brownies. then, work.
if this were a movie, we'd realize we were both screwed up and wrong about something, and go after each other in the same time-frame, and then date happily after confessing a lot of things. this is not a movie though.
i have to pee and shower and work my karaoke bar. if i thought he'd respond, i'd contact him, but he hadn't, the last few times. gotta face the music. all i want for christmas, well, in a love way, is that guy, but oh well. if he wanted to see me, he would've by now.

it's just emotion / ...taking me over / and i don't know the rest of the song.
i'm out of moving-on-techniques. i burned out all the effective ones, and i'm not looking to repeat detached ambiguous crap. just gotta wait this one out. it's time to start dating again.
maybe i'll fall in love with a stranger next week. who knows?